I love being a mom. My child is the light of my life. He is my proof miracle exist in this world and It is my job to love him, guide him and protect him. But that isn’t always easy and sometimes as parents, we can’t help. I was faced with that situation this past year.
My son is a little bit of an introvert by nature. I’ve known this since he was a child and knew he found his own company more pleasing than that of other children. He has always walked his own path and never let others lead him astray. but this past year I saw my child change and I was helpless to fix it. I couldn’t make it better, I wish it away and I couldn’t protect him from the monster that swallowing him whole.
In the Beginning
It started a year ago. Small changes nothing big. In fact, I admit I didn’t even see it coming till it consumed him. Small things like not finishing homework because he seemed disinterested. Teachers and counselors told me it was normal for gifted children or children with high IQ’s to be bored and just not do the work. I let go I know now I shouldn’t have.
Then it was sleeping late on the weekends or not wanting to go anywhere. Again people told me this was normal teenager behavior. My gut told me otherwise but again I let it go.
Next came the sleepless nights, headaches, missing school and sleeping for days. I cycle that soon consumed him. It would start with a headache that leads to not sleeping. this would lead him to feel sick and missing school and then him burying himself in his bed and sleeping for days.
I would see my kid occasionally he would be able to keep the demons at bay and I would have my fun, sarcastic all to logical kid back for moments only for him to be swallowed up again.
The cycle continued days, weeks and months went by. Trips to the doctor revealed that he was healthy. No flu, cold, allergies nothing that you could see under a microscope or detect by a test.
Don’t worry mom the doctors said he is a good kid and healthy. It’s phase it’ll pass said, teachers and counselors. He is a teenager its normal all teens are moody said, other parents.
NO!! My inner voice screamed. There is something wrong this is not normal. I saw my child changing right in front of me and I was helpless to stop it. He was drowning, being swallow by an invisible creature and I couldn’t save him. I was helpless to anything.
The Monster Within
The breaking point came when he no longer showed any interest in life itself. I was so frightened by this revelation that I immediately took him back to the doctor and essentially said this is not my child. He is broken and it’s not detectable by a test. We are missing something very important because he is suffering and nothing is making it better. I am helpless to fix it. No amount of love, guidance or support is working.
The doctor knew I was not leaving till we solved the problem. So after a long talk and some very pointed question to my son, both the doctor and I realized the monster devouring my child was DEPRESSION.
With a diagnosis in hand, we started a treatment. Son now has a medication routine that is helping him find his inner peace again. He is my kid again. a teenager who is way too smart, logical and still thinks his own company is way better than anyone else. He knows comes out of his room and talks with the family. We take weekend rides and just talk.
Is the monster gone? Slayed? No.
The battle between darkness and light will be one he fights daily. It’s a battle I can not fight for him nor can I protect him from it and that is my burden as his mom. The war will never be truly won but with each day and each battle he gets stronger.
The war will never be truly won but with each day and each battle he gets stronger.
As his mom, I learn to live with the fact that even though I can’t protect him from or fight this battle for him I can be his champion, his safe place to lay his head and the one person who loves him unconditionally even in the dark times.
Have you ever faced a battle you couldn’t win? Have you ever felt helpless to protect or help your child?